A Christmasland Adventure
by TreeHugger091188
Summary: Hatter's first Christmas in Alice's world turns out to be quite the doozy.
1. Jolly Even

A Christmas Tree Adventure

Something was wrong with Alice. Very wrong with Alice, indeed. She was always a sweet, kind, loving soul but there was always an edge to it. Like she was just waiting for everything to fall down around her nose. No one could blame her really with everything that she'd been through. But this past few weeks she had been happy, silly, jolly even. Jolly! That was the word he'd been looking for the whole few weeks he'd been watching her. She was humming happily, even dancing around the room once or twice. And yesterday he would have sworn to the Cheshire Cat that he saw her skip on her way to work. It was starting to worry him, seriously worry him. He'd been in her world for a little bit now, and he'd never once seen her jolly. Sure she was happy as all hell to have him here, that showed clearly in the delicate attention she paid to him. But she was not jolly. No-sir-ee Alfred. Was she seeing someone else? Had she met someone? He was really starting to worry. Or maybe she was sick. What if his little Alice had finally snapped in the mental department. Oh lord what would he do if he had to become the sane one in their relationship?! No, no, let's not even start that thought. It had been bothering him non-stop for a few weeks. He'd lost sleep over this. And you know Hatter, he never once lost sleep over something. Well, except you know having the queen chop off his head, but that was an entirely different onion.

Finally as the both drooped on the couch one afternoon, both reading, her humming made him snap. Well, snap in non-lunatic, non-angry way. His head snapped up from the book he held in his hands, and he tilted it like a confused puppy at her. She didn't seem to notice at all. She was just humming happily reading her book, it was something about a girl named Christmas Carol, or maybe it was a boy since Christmas didn't sound like a girls name. But one could never really be sure in this crazy world he'd come to refer to as home. In fact he wasn't sure of much at all, especially given Alice's jolly state. "Alice," he offered slowly trying not to let the worry slip into his voice.

"Hm," Alice asked looking up from her book, her pale eyes meeting his dark brown ones. The curious look was almost enough to unnerve Hatter. Almost. He'd kind of gotten used to the easy way emotion played across her eyes. Yet, he still found himself perplexed by it sometimes. For a woman so closed off she sure wore her heart on her sleeve.

"What's the matter with you?" He hoped she didn't get offended. He really didn't need her to get offended. Oh no, he'd experienced karate chops first hand, and he didn't like them much at all. Of course the karate did make for a rather interesting bedroom scenario, but he didn't like the chops bit.

"What do you mean," her voice was so easy and tranquil that he almost felt silly even bothering to ask her about this. Almost. Because if he didn't get this out he'd likely become some lunatic running 'round starkers and never leaving her alone for a minute. He couldn't live with that. He couldn't really be the Mad Hatter that was portrayed in that silly Alice book Alice loved so much. No that man was absolutely bonkers, depraved in every way. He couldn't do that, not to himself, and certainly not to Alice.

"Well you just seem quite...jolly as of late," He cleared his throat nervously trying to clear the discomfort he felt building there. What was he doing? He shouldn't even be questioning her. He trusted her. He'd always trusted her. Since the moment he lay eyes on her, he knew she'd be there when he needed her, versa vice. Then what was this nagging at him? Oh toad, why was he even asking. He knew what it was. He'd felt it when Jack had been around Alice, this was jealousy at its purest.

"Well that's because Christmas is right around the corner," she smiled cheerily.

"He...She....is?!" He jumped from his spot on the couch looking thoroughly bewildered. Not like he'd actually do anything to prepare for a visitor, but he liked to pretend he would just so Alice didn't get cross with him.

"....Hatter what are you talking about? Christmas is a holiday, sit down, relax," she sighed pinching the bridge of her nose tiredly. She suddenly felt tired, like she would spend the rest of her life explaining things to him as if he were a child. She hoped someday soon he'd be accustomed to all these new things, and then she wouldn't have to explain anything anymore.

"Oh right....I knew that. I was just thinking maybe we should....." he pondered for a long moment on the word he was hunting for. His brown eyes skipped about the room. He wanted to sound knowledgeable. He didn't want Alice to feel like she really had to explain everything. Not to mention he didn't like feeling like she had the upper hand on him, like she knew more than he did. Even if she did. That wasn't the point! "you know like..." he waved his hands frantically trying to think of the word his large brown eyes becoming more and more bewildered the longer the word eluded him.

Alice watched on suddenly amused with his attempts at wisdom. A dark brow quirked its way up toward her hair line and she continued to watch him flounder about the room like a fish out of water. Finally she decided he'd had enough punishment for his arrogance, and let out a small chuckle. "Decorate?"

"Yes!" He pointed to her suddenly triumphant, but then frowned a little when he realized that he hadn't been the one to think of the word at all, and it was she who had supplied it. "Yes, decorate. Why haven't we decorated? We should do that."

Alice pondered this for a long moment. She hadn't put much thought into decorating for Christmas yet. Even if the holiday was fifteen days away. She just didn't have the decorations to do it. She'd moved in with Hatter a little while after he'd shown up at her mother's, and she had no decorations of her own. Every holiday item she'd ever put up she'd shared with her mother. They had one Christmas tree, one wreath for over the fireplace, one garland for the mantle, one fat red reindeer candy bowl, and so on and so forth. Just one, because though there were two of them they were living in one place. "I don't know Hatter. I don't really have any decorations yet. I really had no intention of going all out this year. I kind of thought we'd just go spend Christmas at mom's." She shrugged indifferently, and turned back to her book.

Hatter stood there gaping at her, she so very clearly loved this Christmas thing. This must for certain be her favorite holiday, and yet she was ready to dismiss it like it was nothing. Was this because of him? Was it because she thought he wouldn't understand? "No," he echoed the very word he heard fly from her mouth so often. Alright, so it hadn't been that often these past few weeks. She'd been down right pleasant, amiable, jolly even these past few weeks. She hadn't said no to one single thing he asked of her. He asked if he could fill the ice cube trays with juice, and she said yes, even if the didn't want grape flavored ice cubes. He asked if he could change the television while in the middle of some silly game show, and she said yes. Not a single no, these past few weeks. It was down right unnerving.

"No," she asked looking up at him with a surprised look. Her eyebrows crinkled in confusion. No? What the hell did he mean by no? Had Hatter finally gone off his rocker? Crazy man didn't even know what he was saying no to. He didn't know what Christmas would mean once he got her into doing it. It was after all her favorite holiday all year. And when she did Christmas she did Christmas, like the damned Kringles! Mad, mad Hatter.

"No, I will not stand for this. It is my first Christmas and I will have it be the best bloody Christmas you or I have ever seen," He exclaimed pointing an accusing finger at her. Hatter knew Alice well enough to know that if he said he wanted this done for her she'd just deny that that's what she wanted. She was selfless and she wanted him to be happy above anything else. Silly woman didn't realize that what made him most happy was when she was happy. "Now go put on your coat."

"No," She said sternly nodded her head and promptly went back to reading her book. That infuriating woman!

"No? I don't believe I asked you," he said frustration seeping into his voice. "Now get up and do it."

"Hatter, I've never once listened to anything you've told me to do, and I don't intend to start now. So just be quiet so I can read my book." She waved her hand as if to dismiss him. Her blue eyes returned to the print on the page, and she ignored the gaping face he made before he caught his breath and his nerve.

"Fine, I'll go out and get us a Christmas tree myself. But be aware dear Alice, I don't know where these bloody things you call lots are," he drifted off as he slipped on his shoes and pulled on his coat. Then as he opened the door he called back, "so I may just go chop down one of those pretty trees in the park for us." The door shut behind him but he didn't move far from it. He knew her well enough to know that guilty her into something was the easiest way to go about it.

"Wait! Hatter! That's illegal," Alice shouted jumping up from the couch, sitting her book in her spot, slipping on her shoes, and pulling on her coat before rushing out the door to run after him. Only to run face first into his chest as he chuckled, he grabbed her waist to keep her from falling backward. "You can't just chop down a tree from the park," she scowled up at him, her tone scolding and her mouth set in that firm line once more.

"And why not? You didn't seem to want to come along, so I figured I'd take care of it meself," he shrugged smirking a little but putting forth the effort to hide it because he knew she'd be angry.

"Because it's illegal. That's public property," she grumbled still giving him that stern look that he'd become so thoroughly familiar with in Wonderland. He bit back a chuckle, it was really hard to take her seriously in that silly puffy coat she insisted was warm. Alice sighed, and rolled her eyes. "Fine if you want it that bad we'll go get a tree, and decorations. Happy?"

"Uncontrollably," he smirked and kissed her cheek before dragging her along behind him to the elevator. "So where to first?" It seemed like a logical question to him. After all he didn't know where you go to buy Christmas decorations. But he was certain this was going to be a Hell of a trip.

"Well I think we should get a fake tree, you know then it won't drop-" she was cut off by Hatter's finger, and a frown on his face.

"No."

"No?" What was with him? Why did he keep telling her no?

"No fake tree. I want the full experience. We get a real one." He nodded to himself positively, he wouldn't hear her protests in any way shape or form. He knew what he wanted, and by Alfred he'd get it.

Alice frowned up at him, that stern line returning to her mouth. "Fine then you're vacuuming up the dead needles when they get everywhere. I won't be doing extra housework just because you _have_ to have a real tree Hatter." Hatter shrugged, how hard could vacuuming be anyways? He'd seen Alice do it dozens of times, and it looked really very simple. Really you just pushed around that noisy little machine, and it did all the work.

When they reached the store with the decorations Hatter's eyes nearly popped from his head. This place reminded him very much of wonderland. With everything all mixed up, resized, recolored, and lighted funny. Yes, he decided he was rather going to like this Christmas thing. "Alright we need to get some ornaments, and- David...David? David," She asked turning around to find his mouth gaped wide as he moved through the store in some kind of awe. It was as if he couldn't even hear her. Alice rolled her eyes, pursed her lips, and grabbed his hand. "David!"

"Oh, right sorry, you know easily distracted and all. Right ornaments those would be....where?" His gaze fluttered around the shop again, it was just so different from anything he'd ever come across in Wonderland. They had so much...stuff here. Yet, it was so similar because the stuff was so odd, and unusual especially for this land. And he knew that because he'd been here long enough to know what was normal. Alice rolled her eyes and drug him by the hand to a table with boxes and boxes full of different colored shining globes. Alice picked up a few boxes of purple and gold boxes, then grabbed a box of green strings with little clear things on them and then drug Hatter from the store. His hand was wrapped tightly around the plastic bag handle like it was something precious.

"We'll just do a tree tonight. We don't have all sorts of time to be doing the whole apartment. Especially as we both have work tomorrow." That was Alice, always so serious, and logical. Well, most of the time. Hatter let a grumbling noise protrude from his lips just thinking about work. Of course he liked his job well enough, he was working in a tea shop, but the thought of going to work when Alice was so jolly just didn't settle well with him. He should be around when she'd in a mood like this. It was down right eye opening. Speaking of eye opening, she was humming lightly beside him with a small smile on her face.

"What's that you're humming?" His head cocked like a confused puppy dog, and she grinned a little wider just seeing the look on his face.

"Deck the Halls, it's a Christmas song." Hatter nodded as if he'd known all along and they continued walking on. Alice led him down to something called a tree lot. Which happened to be a small place in the park with hundreds of trees all piled together.

"I want that one," He said pointing to the biggest one he could find the instant they entered the lot.

Alice sighed a little amusedly, and rolled her eyes. "It's too big for the apartment. We need something small that won't take up much space." Hatter's brow crinkled in annoyance. Why small? They should have the biggest Christmas tree ever, yes ever. He would not have this half-rat's Christmas she seemed to be aiming at. He wanted it all. "This one." She said pointing to a short stumpy sparcy looking thing. She saw the unpleased look on his face and rolled her eyes theatrically. "Fine then we'll have to compromise and get something we both can agree on." Little did she know how hard them both agreeing on a tree would be. They were there for hours going through every single tree in the lot.

"Sir, is there anything I can help you two with," the man running the lot asked. Hatter growled a little adjusting his hat, and frowning at the man furiously.

"Yes, this woman here won't agree with anything I've picked. It's rather infuriating, she just keeps telling me no."

"No," Alice responded with a frown.

"See, no! That's all the blasted thing can say," Hatter threw up his hands looking more frustrated than Alice had ever seen him.

"No, that's not all I can say! It's just every tree you've picked has been too tall, too fat, or too expensive. Why do you always have to go to such lengths, just pick something simple!" The salesman shifted nervously from foot to foot. He really didn't want to get in the middle of this tiff, they both looked very serious about this tree business. In fact they looked so serious they looked like they were about to break into a fist fight. "Now how about this one?"

Hatter scrunched his nose at that one too. It was this silly looking this with the branches all sticking up wrong. He didn't like it one bit. "No, this one." He pointed to a short one that was very big around. Alice groaned loudly and pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration.

"It's too big around David, it'll never fit in through the door of the apartment, much less in the living room. Stop being such a pain in the ass."

"I have an idea," Hatter looked thoroughly pleased with his sudden revelation. And that worried Alice.

"What now?"

"Let's flip a coin for it! Heads I get to pick, tails you do. Then it's fair right," Hatter nodded a smirk appearing on his face. Now if he could only remember where he'd put that double headed coin he'd come across.

"Fine, but we use one of my quarters, not one of your's," Alice knew better than to trust Hatter at gambling, he had after all been a conman back in Wonderland.

Hatter gaped, and then frowned, "You don't trust me? After everything I've done and you don't trust me. I am offended, severely offended!" And he looked it too. Alice almost felt bad about it, almost. And by almost it's intended that she only had a tiny twinge of guilt at his offended face.

"Are you in or not? Because if not I'm just going to buy the one I want and you'll have to live with it," she demanded crossing her arms and quirking one dark brow. Hatter looked her over for a long moment, trying to decide if she'd budge at all, but he'd seen that stance plenty of times, and he knew for sure she wasn't going anywhere. She had made up her mind, and she'd have it her way. He could do nothing to change that. Alice was a stubborn little oyster, and that was the Pickle's honest truth.

"Fine, we'll play by your rules, this time." Alice nodded firmly and pulled a coin from her purse watching Hatter carefully. "Heads," he called and she flipped the coin. There was a small very lady like groan when she looked at the result, and Hatter's grin spread thoroughly across his face.

"You win," she grumbled so low that he had to lean forward to hear her.

"Lovely, sir we'll take that one," he pointed to the too fat tree again, and paid the man. Hatter grinned the whole way back to the apartment at his victory. He hadn't beaten Alice in anything in.... well ever. He had some difficulty getting the blasted thing into the apartment but he didn't let the grin fade from his face. Minutes later he was on a ladder stringing these things called Christmas lights, and putting a star at the top of the tree, while Alice hung bulbs along the bottom. Well well, this Christmas thing was quite an adventure, a lovely adventure at that.


	2. Oh Martha!

Oh Martha!

Hatter loved his Alice without any doubt. But by Alfred sometimes she was so frustrating. She kept insisting that they not go all out for this Christmas. She was very adamant about not doing presents, and not spending too much money, and not going overboard on decorations. It almost felt like she was frightened to really let herself go with him. Of course she was, she had every right to be frightened. It was a crazy mixed up world she lived in, and she'd had all sorts of badness happen to her. But he'd be eaten by a Jabberwock before he allowed anymore of that badness to come her way. She meant too much to him, and he really did believe she deserved happiness for the rest of her life. No, no more badness, none at all. And this was going to be the best damned Christmas she'd ever had so help him Alfred. Now he just needed a little help, just a little assistance. Who could he get to help? The first thought of help was Charlie, Charlie would be positively marvelous. Hatter sighed drumming his fingers on his desk trying to think. How to get Charlie? He knew the old man would be gob-smacked to even see Hatter again. And he'd probably be more than thrilled to come and see Alice. Yes, he'd just go and find him right after work. It'd take him all of an hour to get the old man from Wonderland, and back (which was much less than an hour in this world's time). That being decided he needed someone to help him figure out more about this Christmas business. He pondered this for a long while, his brow knitting and unknitting in concentration. He could ask Carol, but that may look suspicious, and he didn't want Alice catching on. He looked around lost in thought until he came up with an idea, he'd been watching television this morning while he drank his tea before heading out, and had seen this haughty looking blond woman talking about the up and coming holiday and all the things she had prepared for it. What was her bloody name?

"Oi, Cathy," he called to one of the girls who was passing him. Surely she'd know who this awful looking woman was. It mattered little that the woman looked like a cold hearted fish, so long as she knew how to create this Christmas type thing.

"David," the woman said tiredly rolling her eyes. Cathy had a tendency to walk by David's desk right when he had a question, and she was getting a little sick of all these moronic questions. After all who didn't know things like where to get toilet paper, and what tampons were? She prayed to God it wasn't another toiletry related question. She couldn't stand it if it were. The tampons conversation had nearly killed her in embarrassment. She'd walked away so red she thought she had developed a fever, and should see a physician.

"There was this horrid lookin' woman on my television this mornin'. She 'ad blonde hair, and she was makin' some wretched pillow lookin' thin' with a dog on i'. What is 'er name?" He must know who this wretched woman was who knew about Christmas. She didn't seem like the type capable of having a heartfelt warm Christmas, but she did seem to know what she was talking about.

Cathy snorted lightly, she would have laughed outright if David didn't look so utterly serious about this question. "Are you talking about Martha Stewart?"

"That's 'er name," Hatter looked very excited, and waved his hand to dismiss Cathy. Martha Stewart, damn the name even made her sound frigid. No, he wouldn't let that sway him, he needed to learn from this Martha. She would teach him about Christmas.

"David," Cathy had returned to his desk with a little book in her hands, and Hatter looked up from his thoughts.

"Yes?"

"This is Martha's magazine. It's the holiday issue, but I don't know what you needed it for. Do return it when you're through," she flopped the magazine on his desk and walked away. Sometimes Cathy felt pity for the clearly insane man. Especially when he saw the man with his girlfriend, Alice, it was quite clear that he wasn't from around here but he was putting forth all sorts of effort to blend in. It seemed to her that mostly why he tried so hard was that Alice, he was clearly in love with her and would do anything for her. While Cathy found herself a little jealous at the thought, she was also happy to see them happy. It meant sometimes fairytales really did come true, those two were her proof. And she was assured by their happiness in a ways nothing else had ever assured her.

"Brillian'! Thanks Cathy. I'll be sure ta....well I dunno wha' I'll do bu' I'll be sure ta do sumthin'," He grinned lopsidedly at her, and knew he'd have to think of some repayment for Cathy's help. Maybe some cookies, or a cake, or an Unbirthday party. He didn't know, but one thing was for sure, he was in her debt.

"Don't mention it David. Just you know if you have a brother, or cousin or something bring him by the shop," She chuckled, and grinned at him. Alright so Cathy did have an ulterior motive. She walked away without noticing the rather confused look on Hatter's face. He had no idea what she meant by a brother or cousin or something. Why would she want to meet his family? That was just weird. Not that he had any family, he'd been an only child and his parents had died very long ago. He was perplexed by the request, so perplexed that he'd almost forgotten she had given him the Martha Stewart floppy-book-thing, what had she called it? Ah yes, magazine, that had been the word he'd been hunting for. He really needed to buy a little book to write these things down in so he wouldn't forget them. Ah well, that would have to wait for another time. Right now what was more important was this Martha broad, and what she knew about Christmas. Hatter quickly looked over the cover trying to decide where to start. His eyes fell to the only sub-header on the page "138 of the best decorations, recipes, and gifts." Now that was the ticket! This Martha woman really knew what he needed. He'd have to be sure to send her a thank-you note for all her helpfulness. He started flipping through trying to absorb as much as he possibly could, this Martha woman had some very complicated directions. He decided he'd have to go and buy his own copy just to be sure he got everything right, but now he had a very firm picture in his mind of what he needed to do. Alice was working late tonight, so he hoped to surprise her when she came home with the house all done up like something from this book. It seemed this Martha woman was also very adamant about making things herself, which is brilliant because he didn't have a lot of money to spend on things anyways. When he got off work he returned Cathy's magazine, thanked her again, and ran out of the shop like his coattails were ablaze. He had to get started, there was much to do and very little time in which to do it. First, to get this blasted magazine, then supplies, then Charlie.

So first thing was first. He strode right into one of the neighborhing book stores, and kindly asked the shopgirl where their magazines were. She pointed him in the right direction, and he made his way there with a very determing look on his face, leaving the shopgirl to watch him bewildered and confused. What could have this man so worked up that he must see the magazines immediately? Then she was even more bewildered when the man returned with the Martha Stewart magazine, and several other home magazines. What the hell? She quirked a brow at him confused.

Hatter looked at her face, and back up at the magazines, and then back up at her face. "My girlfriend, and I's firs' Christmas, gotta make it a good one," he explained with a shrug as though it really didn't bother him that she was looking at him like he was complete an utter loon. It really didn't bother him, he was used to people in this world looking at him like he was mad. Hell, he was used to people in his own world looking at him like he was mad. It made little difference to him either way. The girl nodded, still looking perplexed, but gave him no more questioning looks about it. Once he was rung up, and out of her store the girl shook her head. Hatter didn't notice he was already on his way to another store to buy all the things he thought he'd need, or all the things Martha told him he'd need. He'd need things for cookies, and lights, and all this stuff that he wasn't even really sure what it was. He was certain, however, that someone in the stores could and would be happy to help him.

Alright so Tony, as his name tag said his name was, wasn't as happy to help Hatter as Hatter would have liked. In fact it seemed like Tony was a right curmudgeon about this whole Christmas thing. A right Scrooge, Hatter had learned that word from Alice's Christmas Carol book. He assumed since Scrooge was a man who lacked the Christmas spirit entirely and was cruel to everyone, Tony would fit the name quite well enough. Not that I mattered to Hatter, he had enough spirit to go around. However, the boy's lack of spirit and sour attitude had shopping take longer than Hatter had expected meaning he'd have no time to really talk to Charlie, he'd just have to grab the old coot and run. Ah well, such was the life of a spirited mad Hatter. Especially Alice's spirited mad Hatter. Oh wouldn't Alice be pleased with him? She'd probably be so pleased she wouldn't have words for it. He returned everything to the apartment before heading to the looking glass. Hatter took a deep breath looking into the smooth relfective surface of the mirror. He never liked going back, even when he had to. He was always frightened something would go terribly awry, and his Alice would end up in peril again. He wouldn't have that. Sighing heavily he took a deep breath and jumped through the looking glass. The sensation of falling was not something he enjoyed in the least, but he'd deal with it. He was sure Alice enjoyed it even less given her fear of heights, and so he found himself not even bothering to think about complaining to her about it. He landed feet first on a soft patch of grass. Why did you go in one way and come out another? It never made sense to him, but then this was Wonderland and nothing had to make sense here. So even if you went through the looking glass from this side in that lovely station, you came through it from the other side into the sewer. He hated the sewer part. Ah well, this was for Alice! Alice, he must get moving, must grab Charlie and be back on his way! He started in a run down the sewer halls, and quickly made his way outside where wonderland was a bustle with life. It had never been that way while the Queen was ruling, but now it seemed to be back to how it was long before he was born. It was nice to see Wonderland back to it's former glory. Hatter quickly found his way to the new headquarters of the royal family. He figured if anyone knew where Charlie was, Jack would. Even if he disliked Jack immensely.

When he reached the new court he found the place just as alive as the streets of Wonderland. Really how was a man supposed to speak to the king in this mess? Damn this nonsense! He had to get back, he had so much to do. He had to bake cookies, hang lights, hang garland, make candy, and do all sorts of other nonsensical Christmas things. So he marched right up to one of the clubs he'd recognized as being one of the Queen's closest men. Surely this man could help Hatter get to Jack. "Ah, Hatter. What's the meaning of this visit," number ten, or at least Hatter was sure he was number ten, quirked a brow at him.

"I need ta talk ta Jack. Righ' away. No time ta lose, I'm runnin' late as is," Hatter said quickly. His eyes darted around nervously, and to tell the truth he looked more the mad hatter than he ever had. Number ten just gaped at the shorter man, confused and slightly annoyed by his presence. Hatter turned back to see Number ten still standing there and grumbled. "Well wha' are ya waitin' on, hop ta."

"The king is in a meeting, but you can see his right hand advisor, I'll go and fetch him. Why don't you wait right over there," Number ten point to a set of tables in an arrangement that reminded Hatter oddly of that thing Alice called a Café in her world. Strange. Hatter nodded and went to find a seat, but while he sat he fidgeted. His hat came from his head and his pushed on the brim between his fingers. He just wanted to be home, and by home he meant in his and Alice's little apartment. That was his home now, where his Alice was. And Wonderland made him nervous now. It probably had something to do with all the trouble Alice had gotten herself into while she was here. Hatter had lived here all his life and never gotten into a tickle of trouble. Yet, Alice had been here all of a week and found herself dimple deep in some kind of mess that it took his expert skills to get her out of.

"Hatter, m'boy," A very familiar voice exclaimed drawing Hatter from his nervous thoughts.

"Charlie! Jus' tha man I was lookin' for," Hatter said shooting up with a huge grin on his face. "We need ta be off now Charlie, no time ta waste," Hatter said hurriedly dragging Charlie behind him as he made his way for the door.

"Nonsense m'boy, what is the meaning of this. You cannot just come in here and drag off the King's right hand man. This is positively uncooth, undignified, unright, unfit....wrong even. Now what do you need?" Hatter couldn't believe how very serious Charlie seemed to be taking his new position. It was really kind of annoying, although he should have expected it. This was Charlie we were talking about. "Well don't just stand around gaping like a nincumpoop, tell me what you need. I have business to attend to and your holding me up. If you don't spit it out right off I'll have to be off and ignore you completely."

Hatter was getting a small headache from Charlie's rambling, it was driving him nuts. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea to start with. "It's a gif' for Alice," Hatter said simply, he figured that would be enough.

"Well if that's what this is about why didn't you say so from the start? You know I'd do anything for Alice. She'd practically a daughter to me. Precious little toad that she is. I'd do down right anything for her. You should have just said that from the very beginning. Those should have been-"

"Charlie, shu' it," Hatter cut him off with a grumble. "Get your things, tell Jack, and let's be on our way. I don' 'ave all sorts of time. She's a' work now, and will be back quicker than a fish's whisker. Off ya ge'." He pushed Charlie in the direction he'd come, ordering him to do as told immediately. It took a full hour for Charlie to get himself ready. Hatter imagined it had something to do with the long winded speech he gave Jack about where he was going and why. Luckily, for Hatter at least, Charlie returned alone all packed and ready to go. Good then he'd not have to see Jack before he left. Hatter thought maybe that was what was best for all of them. After all Hatter had gotten the one thing Jack wanted most, and Jack was left with nothing. Not like Hatter pitied the man, because he didn't. Jack had done it to himself, and he deserved it for using Alice the way he did, and getting Alice into all the trouble he'd gotten her into. Hatter's Alice hadn't deserved that, and Jack should pay for what he'd done.

"I'm all set. Got enough clothes for years. Does Alice know I'm coming," Charlie asks, but Hatter's been blocking him out as they make a caterpillar line for the mirror room. "Hatter," Charlie said a little louder touching the younger man's shoulder, "does she know I'm coming?"

Hatter looks up from his thoughts, and grins roguishly. "No she doesn'. She'll be down righ' surprised," the grin spreads wider, wide enough to rebel the Cheshire's, and turns into a genuine smile. Just talking about how happy this would make his Alice had Hatter more excited than ever. "Now you'll 'ave ta 'elp me with some things. I 'ave a lo' of surprises I wan' ta set up for 'er. Which is why I've recruited yar 'elp. Ya think ya're up for it brave knight?"

Charlie stiffens, and tilts his chin with pride. "We will make this the best surprise Alice has ever experienced. Better than anything else indeed. She'll bee surprised, flabbergasted, gob-smacked, thrilled even." Hatter just nodded as Charlie continued to yammer. They made it to the mirror room, and both jumped through. Hatter landed on his feet solidly, and helped Charlie as the older man struggled to catch his balance. Wouldn't want grandpa breaking a hip would we? Then who would Hatter tie an apron around to bake cookies? Well he sure as hell wasn't going to wear an apron himself. Alright, so he had thought about it, he didn't want to get his clothes all dirty. Plus Alice looked rather cute in her apron, so who's to say he wouldn't? "So why the surprise m'boy?"

"Oh well it's Christmas 'ere Charlie, and it's kind of a big deal." Hatter shrugged as he started walking, Charlie followed close behind. Hatter didn't even notice when people were staring at the two of them. Charlie was still in his armor and it was drawing an awful lot of attention. Of course, Hatter was distracted with this Christmas business, his mind was running over all the things he had to do. "Ya ge' a tree, and ornaments, and decorate the 'ouse with lights and stuff. Ya bake cookies, and building 'ouses out of somethin' called gingerbread, and 'ave this big dinner. And there is this stuff called mistletoe tha' makes people kiss, and ya give presents...presents!" Hatter smacked himself in the forehead for his ignorance. How could he have forgotten presents?! Idiot! Moron!

"Well that sounds like a good ol' time. We used have something like it back in the day when the kingdom of the knights was still around. It wasn't called Christmas though. It was called something like Howard's day, I don't know who Howard was but we always ended up having a great time on his day. We'd give presents, and drink, and have a big dinner. Yes, right good time." He didn't realize Hatter was becoming more and more agitated beside him. Until Hatter let out a loud groan. "What's wrong now? Lord, I'm starting to think this Christmas has driven you mad, Hatter. You'll lose every nut and bolt and marble you have if you go mad. I had a friend who went mad once. Could never find a-"

"Charlie," Hatter exclaimed cutting the old man off once more. "I've plum forgotten ta ge' Alice a presen'."

"Really? Hatter, what's wrong with you? That's the most important part to a lady. My, who taught you to keep a lady? You must shower her with attention. Bow to her every whim. Be there night and day. That is how you keep a lady m'boy. You do not 'plum forget' to get them a present for whatever holiday is coming. For that matter who plum forgets anything? Plum forgetting is not even a kind of forgetting. Silly boy."

"Charlie, I 'ave some time. I'll get one in the next few days. I jus' 'ave ta think of wha' ta ge'. We can think of somethin' while we decorate," he said finally as he turned the key in the door to their apartment building and led Charlie up to their home. Charlie stopped dead in his tracks when he entered the apartment, completely perplexed by how different it was from his home in Wonderland. However, something in him told him instinctually that this place fit Alice and Hatter perfectly. This was their home sweet home, as it were. There own special little patch of grass to lay their heads and be themselves. And be themselves they were! It was quite clear by the hat rack by the door that had about four top hats littered on it, or the overflowing bookshelf siddled up along a wall. Even the colors of the room just said Alice meets Hatter. There were touches of Alice here, and touches of Hatter there. Tea cups filled with wax strewn everywhere. And a painting of a scene from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland hung neatly on the blank wall across from the door, so it was the first thing a person saw. Yes, there was no doubt this was Alice and Hatter's home.

"Well," Hatter said putting his arms out as if putting the very apartment on display. "What do ya think? It's no' real big or nuthin'. But-"

"It's home," they both said at the same time, and Hatter grinned a little wider at Charlie. It pleased him immensely that Charlie saw it too.

"Marvelous m'dear boy! I do think most of this is Alice's taste though, I how poor your taste is. She's quite the decorator that one is. You're lucky to have such a lady," Charlie rambled on nonsensically. Hatter almost found himself offended that Alice was given all the credit for the decorating, but then he remembered it was Charlie who was speaking, and he should expect that from the old loon. "So what shall we start on? I'm eager to get this venture underway. Plus you did make it sound as if Alice would be home any minute. And we'd hate for her to see us in the midst of this surprise wouldn't we?"

"Well let's pu' yar things in the office. Alice 'as this thin' called a futon in there, it supposedly works jus' like a bed. So ya should be able ta sleep there tonigh'. Then I think we should star' on cookies, then decoratin'." All of this was said as he lead Charlie down a very short hall way. So short in fact there were only three rooms off it. One to the right, one to the left, and one straight ahead. Hatter directed Charlie into the one to the left.

"Futon?" The old man examined the piece of furniture with a weary eye. "That sounds like some kind of food. Don't you have a hammock? I'd much prefer a hammock. I don't know about this futon thing. Just the name of it makes me want to eat it. Yes, a hammock would be much better indeed."

"No, Charlie no 'ammock. Ya 'ave ta deal with the futon. Now we 'aven't the time ta waste let's get started." Hatter just hoped and prayed Charlie was as good at baking cookies as he was at cooking booragrove. Because he didn't know a tickle about that confounded thing Alice called an oven.


	3. Aprons & Tree Lights

Aprons and Tree Lights

It had been a mere hour since Charlie had come through the looking glass with Hatter. Only a mere hour since he'd walked through the door and gazed upon the home they built. A mere hour since Hatter had thoroughly explained his brilliant plan, and pulled out a stack of these strangely flimsy books that Hatter called "magazines". Just an hour. But looking back on the hour Charlie couldn't really understand how everything had become a mess. He was standing in the kitchen with a dainty blue apron tied around his waist, and a wooden spoon in his hand. He still couldn't figure out this blasted sugar cookie recipe. And what the bloody hell was unsalted butter? Could butter be unsalted? That didn't even make sense. How in God's name could butter be unsalted? Charlie jumped audibly as a loud beeping protruded from the think Hatter kept calling an oven. "What the devil," Charlie said looking at the oven as it continued to beep loudly at him. "Hatter, that thing is making that bloody noise again!"

"Charlie take the bloody cookies ou' before they burn! I can' come help you," Hatter was wrestling with the Christmas lights in the living room, and currently couldn't even move his feet. The noise in the kitchen sounded like it was just getting louder, and Hatter groaned loudly. Charlie pulled one of those quilted mitt things over his hand, and pulled the tray of cookie from the oven. Looking at them, and comparing them to the picture in one of the magazines laid in the middle of the mess on the counter, he saw that they were not the same color. No, the cookies he had just pulled from the oven were a dark brownish color instead of the beautiful golden brown in the picture.

"Hatter they do not look like the pictures, what should I do?"

A small creaking noise came from near the door, and Charlie peaked out of the kitchen. As the door creaked the rest of the way they both stopped dead, their faces more than slightly guilty. Alice's eyes went wide at the sight she beheld upon opening the door to her and Hatter's apartment. There stood Hatter wrapped up in a string of colorful Christmas lights, that were lit by the way. And Charlie was peaking through the kitchen doorway a pale blue apron tied around his waist, and a tray of burnt cookies in his hand. "What is going on," Alice practically roared her face growing angry before Hatter could even untangle himself from the rope of lights to get to her and keep her from having a panic attack.

"Well, the Harbinger said he wanted to surprise you with this Christmas thing. He came to wonderland and asked me to help. You know Alice, I couldn't deny him, I just want to see you smile. I mean really who'd have known that everything would go so terribly awry. I had no idea. And he set me up in the room with that Futon thing. That thing that sounds like something you'd eat. I haven't gotten to so much as sit on it yet though, because he put me right to work on these cookies things. I really must say that Martha woman has some very complicated recipes. Unsalted butter and all that. Not to mention she doesn't give you a specific time to put these blasted cookies in. It's fifteen to seventeen minutes, and I really don't know what that means. Why can't she just specify," Charlie was rambling on and on, and Alice was ignoring him. She was glaring harshly at Hatter who was still wrapped up in the brightly colored Christmas lights, his eyes wide.

"Hatter what is the meaning of this," She said cutting off Charlie's sputtering. Her eyes were trained on him, to which Hatter was actually glad. Sure she looked completely and utterly infuriated, but so long as she wasn't looking at the mess that was their apartment he thought they'd be alright.

"We're tryin' ta make Christmas," Hatter's voice broke a little in confusion, and panic. He had to get her to be happy about this, and not punish him. Albert, he didn't want to be punished by Alice. The woman had a mean punch, and could go without sex for weeks if she so chose. That'd just kill him. He groaned inwardly at the mere thought of it. However, in a second she scoffed, rolled her eyes in annoyance and moved forward to help unwrap him from the lights.

"While you two clean up you can explain yourselves," Alice said annoyed. She finished freeing Hatter from the lights, and took up residence at the cluttered kitchen table. She tapped her fingers along the lacquered wood and waited impatiently for the explanation.

"Well it started with the gingerbread," Hatter said hesitantly as he carefully wrapped the lights around the tree with all the diligence of a... well a hat maker. Alice waited while he gulped back his uncomfort.

"I'm really not a fan of gingerbread," Charlie said glaring at the two gingerbread houses on the kitchen table. Alice's eyes finally fell on them, and she choked back a laugh. They were gloppy, and crooked, and completely devoid of gumdrops. "You see Hatter got these two gingerbread kits. Well first off my wall was broken, so I had to use the icing to piece if back together. Then the icing started getting hard, so we added water. And well someone added too much water, making the icing gloppy. So the roof slid off it. Then we tried to prop it up with those little sticks, and that didn't work."

"Don' forge' ta mention that ya ate all the gumdrops," Hatter said with a grumble continuing his ministrations with the lights. "And the reason there was too much water was tha' ya knocked my arm while I was addin' it into the icin'. Stop tellim' the story as ya are and makin' yourself into the hero."

"I'm a knight," Charlie said with a slight grumbling sitting the tray of over baked cookies on the counter. "Anyways, as you can see they are quite the mess. As I said, I really don't like gingerbread. I tried a piece," he pointed to a bite mark out of one of the pieces for the roof. Alice bit her lip to withhold another giggle, it was taking all her effort to stay mad at these two. After all, look at her apartment! There was icing everywhere, on the floor, on the walls, on the ceiling. Her couch was covered in sparkles. There were pine needles all underneath the tree from Hatter fussing with it. Alice didn't dare look in the kitchen at the aftermath of Charlie. "It's not tasty in the least, not tasty. I rather prefer butter cookie and all spice pastries. Oh how I wish I had a good recipe for some Wonderland cookies. Now that would be a real treat would it not?"

Alice put up a hand to quiet him. "So how did icing end up....everywhere?"

"Oh tha' was Charlie entirely," Hatter said biting back a smirk as he threw the other man under the figurative Jabberwock. "Ya see my Alice, dear, Charlie tried ta sword fight me with the knife while we tried to icin' the blasted things. So ya see the icin' ended up flung all over the place. I told ya she'd be angry. Bu' no, ya never did listen did ya Charlie? Now would ya look at this place, we'll be cleanin' sugar off the walls for ages." Hatter shook his head sorrowfully and went back to work.

"Sword fighting with butter knives," Alice asked still keeping her eyes angry. She didn't want Hatter to think he'd gotten off so easily. He was going to be punished for this. He'd made a right mess of this place, and he'd have to be taught a lesson for it.

"Seemed like a good idea at the time," Charlie shrugged. "I haven't had a sparing partner in near a century. I am a knight, you know. I have to keep up my skills. Otherwise who knows what will become of me. Likely I should waste away in some barren land of laziness. Or be eaten by a Jabberwock. Or dare I say it, worse. Your harbinger was quite the spar partner, might I add."

"I bea' ya solidly," Hatter cut him off before the rambling became any longer. Likely they'd never get through the summary of the events of the past hour if Charlie were left to it. The man was mad as a box of frogs he was, especially when it came to telling stories. The man could spin a tale a mile long without so much as a gasp for breath. However, the accusation that Hatter had beat him sent the old man gaping and sputtering like a fish out of water.

"And what about that," She asked pointing to the ceiling littered in what looked to be mistletoe that had been duct taped to it.

"Well Charlie found this interes-"

"It's for kissing," Charlie announced excitedly. "It's mistletoe, or something like that. Your Harbinger very nearly wet his breeches at the mere mention that such a plant existed with the magical power of making people kiss. I did not know that you even had magical things like that here. We surely do not have anything of the sort in Wonderland. Well we do have that one plant, but that's more of a makes you stink sort of thing. In fact it makes you stink so badly that no one will be near you at all, much less kiss you."

Hatter blushed slightly, but didn't look up from where he was diligently decorating the tree. He had finally gotten the different colored lights wrapped around it, and had moved on to throwing tinsel on the branches. Alice couldn't help but notice that he applied the tinsel very liberally. "So what about the cookies?"

"Well this Martha woman Harbinger thinks is the expert on Christmas has several cookie recipes in her mazagine," Alice didn't miss how he miss-pronounced magazine, but she didn't bother correcting him. "Anyways I tried my damndest to follow her recipes, but as you can see," he gestured to the stacks of burnt cookies piled on her kitchen counters amongest the flour and the dough and the icing. "I haven't been able to make a single cookie that looks like her's do. She must just have a magical talent for making cookies." It was then Alice finally succumbed to the giggled threatening to break through. Giggle broke into chuckles. And chuckles broke into all out uproarious laughter. Meanwhile the two men just stood there staring at her like she'd gone perfectly mad.


End file.
